Author Archives: Alan

People always dredge out the old adage that you should never meet you heroes, and I’ve some experience of this in the past – I’ve come up with another one following my experiences of last weekend, and that is that irrational fondnesses for a cheesy 80’s film isn’t always best shared in the company of friends in a private cinema screening!

To explain further, my dear brother Rich plotted a surprise for my 30th birthday, which involved me being blindfolded and bundled into a taxi by Cat, after a short journey (which I was trying to keep track of, but lost myself somewhere in Carlton) saw me guided into a room and unmasked to be faced with a load of friends yelling ‘surprise’ – which quite took me aback, and to complete the job of bewilderment Rich arrived in the room clad in a ‘David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King from The Labyrinth’ costume!

It transpired that he’d been conspiring and beavering away for some time to organise a surprise private screening of The Labyrinth – a film that both myself and Rich, and coincidentally Cat too, have an unnatural soft spot for, in the Paul Smith designed Screen Four at the Broadway Cinema in Nottingham.  It’s easy to say that you have a cheesy favourite film to people, it’s a strangely uncomfortable experience to realise that particular part of your soul is being laid bare on a silver screen infront of you all!

Still, as Hoggle would say, you can’t take anything for granted!  A scene in the film which is very familiar to me caused peals of laughter from all assembled, self included – it had never occurred to me watching the film through a veil of familiarity that when Hoggle falls to his knees in fear at Jareth’s feet, that he ends up eye-to-eye with Bowie’s very prominent ‘trouser aubergine’ (which Rich recreated disturbingly for his costume!), and could, perhaps, have been contemplating a quick toot on the Goblin King’s ‘pink oboe’…

With the film over there were further drinks and a rather splendid buffet a chance to have a proper chat with the tremendous array of folk who’d travelled from near and far to join in my festival of embarrassment – complete with some particularly choice photos of my childhood that Rich had picked out to be festooned around the bar area in time for our return from the film – cheers, Rich! (My favourite, which I’ve included here, is me clearly showing that I paved the way for Pete Doherty’s look!).

It was great to catch up with so many folks I don’t see enough of, though, and once the initial shock of it all (contrary to the perception of many, I absolutely abhor being the centre of attention so it took some time to adjust to this way of being), I had a really good time and it’s really quite moving that folks are prepared to go to such an effort to organise and take part in a surprise like this.

So thanks to all concerned, not least Rich and Cat who were largely co-conspirators on the day, but to everyone who came too – it certainly beat the day of loafing I imagined I was going to enjoy on my birthday!  There’s more pics on Rich’s website, I’m not sure why I’m linking to it as they’re awful!

I am now very much in the market for ideas for some suitable form of revenge for Rich’s 30th in late 2009, so do feel free to send me any ideas you may have… although I already have a couple of things winging around my head!

.. I’ve now somehow reached the ripe old age of 30 years, I’m not quite sure when that happened!

It’s the early hours, so there’s been no presentage or owt as yet – although my lovely colleagues did force me to have a night on the town on friday to mark the occasion, a night I’m still feeling the after effects of after imbibing a little too freely over the course of the evening.

We started in the Bell, who do a really rather nice Extra Pale Ale should you ever be passing – indeed, we were in the Bell until it closed.  I had decreed, you see, that we go to ‘old man’ pubs, and well, being old and a bit lazy we never quite managed to move on, until kicking out time, at which point the night becomes rather hazy as I was onto the shorts by then!

Still, I made it home unscathed so I think it was probably a good night – the first bit I can remember certainly was!

.. I’ve been practicing Didgeridoo-related things, particularly circular breathing, a technique that enables you to play continuously whilst still breathing (which is pretty essential in the grand scheme of things!).  Colin taught us the concept whilst down in London, but it’s fair to say neither Rich nor I got very far with mastering it!

The basic premise is you blow from your lungs, and as you ‘run out’ of air, you puff up your cheeks, and use your cheeks to expel air – maintaining the flow which keeps your lips vibrating – whilst taking a sniff of air, and resume blowing from the lungs again.  You have a very natural mental block which prevents you from doing this – because generally there’s no reason to!

Colin recommends going outside with some water, and putting water in your mouth and expel it using your cheek muscles, when you’ve done this, do it again whilst inhaling through your nose… essentially this is what you need to do.  So far I’ve been able to keep a constant stream of air coming from my mouth whilst taking breaths with my nose, but still seem to suffer from a mental block when it comes do doing it with the didgeridoo in place.  I’ll get there, though – which is reassuring!

I might even try the water trick – I read another method of getting over the mental stumbling block, which was using a straw and a glass of water, use the straw to blow bubbles in the water, and maintain the bubbles using the concept above of circular breathing – pretty easy… it’s just getting the timing right to take the breath before the cheek-pressure stops your lips vibrating… still, it’s progress!

If your monitor screen is looking a little bit grubby, click here and get it sorted instantly!

Arf.  Earlier this week I took a drive up to Warrington with Ma, for the rather splendid occasion of picking up her new dog, Heidi – who is ace (as I wrote about previously).  We took Milly with us as well, who will now have to tolerate not being the only dog in the house at parentland – and to say she’s a little highly strung at times, she behaved herself very admirably indeed!

We took ’em both to Burntstump on the way back home, Heidi’s really well behaved on walks (except when on a lead – she’ll need a bit of training there).  She zooms around like only a Collie can, but returns pretty much instantly when called or whistled – unlike a certain stumpy-legged little monster who has developed a fascination with the prospect of squirrels lately.

Early signs of her acclimatising to her new home are good – and Milly is gradually getting used to the idea too, it bodes well – she even ran the gauntlet of meeting Sam and Digby too and passed with flying colours!

Particularly when I can blame someone else!  As part of his teacher training, Rich wanted to take advantage of the pirate themed work his school are doing, as well as link it in with his pet parrot Doris – which involved constructing a story around Doris having a past-life as a pirate’s pet, who was fortuitously rescued by our heroic teacher!  (Bear in mind his intended audience are 5-6 years old!).

As well as dressing up in a daft costume and cavorting merrily with Doris and a sword, I also got to turn my hand to my technical skills – one of the pictures in the series involved Doris ‘playing dead’ in order to fool the pirate.  One of the cool things about Senegal Parrots is they are one of the few birds around who are happy to lie on their back (fnar fnar), although in Doris’ case she wasn’t keen on doing so and being photographed on a tabletop.  So we were able to get a picture of her in Rich’s hand in a suitable pose – which meant that obviously his hand was in shot.

Thanks to a bit of fiddling with Photoshop I was able to remove the background, put a picture of our table surface in the background as well as a bit of a drop-shadow to make it look like she is actually on the tabletop.  Finally, the only thing the ‘green curmudgeon’ wouldn’t do (and why should she?) was close her eyes on the shot – so I also made an attempt to shut her eye digitally by over-painting her open eye with grey and then applying some texture from her plumage to make it look a bit more realistic.  I was pretty chuffed with the results if I do say so myself!

Should you want to see the full photo-story Rich is planning on unleashing upon his unsuspecting classmates, then do feel free to click here.

In other news, last week Rich and I went down to The Approach in Nottingham and had the pleasure of meeting former-Forest legend Steve Stone, and the legendary mullet-bearer Chris Waddle – which was a giggle, for sure – although my question to Stoney about what he may have got upto in a Biffa bin behind Ritzy’s was disappointingly not answered other than by an awkward pause!

He’s got no hair, but we don’t care, Stevie Stevie Stone!

This weekend heralded the notional last night of freedom for a certain Andrew “The Lothario” Best, but I’m going to start with a bit of a moan first.

As part of our plans, Rich had pre-booked (and paid) for tickets for ‘Guilty Pleasures’ being hosted at a club called Koko in Camden Town.  The tickets stated that if we could arrive before 12:30am – we duly did so at 12:25am and were refused entry by a bouncer.  The bouncer (as t’wasn’t his fault) summoned the promoter, who was a class A twat who made up a load of bollocks when basically they’d just let more people in and not allowed for tickets they’d pre-sold.  We did get a refund, but it left a sour taste – so if you’re thinking of going to a Guilty Pleasures night, don’t bother – it’s run by a bunch of twunts.

Andy with some new friends!

Anyway.  Aside from that, the weekend was brilliant!  It started with a slight concern as a migraine suffering Rich texted me to say he was stuck in Lincoln ’til he was fit to drive the night before – fortunately he recovered sufficiently to get back down to Nottingham as planned, from where we drove down to Henley and caught the Tube to Camden to meet up with the rest of the boys.

After checking into a grotty hovel of a youth hostel, we hotfooted it back to the Tube to get across to Leyton where the mighty Reds were playing Orient.  The game wasn’t the best, but a fortunate goal from Junior Agogo was enough to get us a much needed away three points – so the weekend was certainly getting off to a good start!

We headed back to Camden with a few cans – which caused a few problems for Tim on the tube as one of them decided to empty itself into his bag – and then headed out in Camden to the quietest curry house in the world, which was very amusing for all manner of reasons, although the most important factor being the food quality – and this didn’t disappoint at all!

After this we went around a few pubs in Camden – Camden’s a great people-watching place, full of people desperate to be ‘different’ by basically dressing in strange clothes, which are available in abundance from the market stalls and shops on the high street.  A few of our party were interested in catching the end of the egg-chasing, so we found a pub showing that… I saw Jonny Wilkinson miss a couple of kicks and score a drop-goal, as well as a try – I still don’t get it.

Then was the fateful walk to the Guilty Pleasures night.  After a pointless argument with the charismaless bastard running the night, we headed back into Camden Town and ended up in a place called ‘Underworld’ – which played some great tunes, but didn’t have the friendliest clientelle in the world – not sure that Andy mooning them from the stage repeatedly helped in the ‘making friends’ stakes, mind!

A strangely accidentally arty pic of Andy in action in Underworld!

It was here I succumbed to a banging headache – I spent an hour or so alternately trying to drink my way through it (initially with alcohol, then with some water), dance through it or just sit down near an aircon unit and hope it went – but it didn’t so I escaped back to the hostel to get some much needed sleep – probably a good job I did as Rich was in no fit state to drive back, so I ended up doing that this morning with him kipping on the back seat!

A top weekend, though – really enjoyable, given my usual dislike of all things London!  Rich and I are heading back down to the capital next month so I can have my didgeridoo lesson, which should be a laugh!  There’s a few photos here, I’m sure more will appear on Rich‘s site too…

I forewent my usual Sunday morning lie-in to take a trip up to Warrington of all places, with Ma, Granny and Cat along with the houndfolk of Milly and Sam in order to visit new-dog-to-be, Heidi.

Me with Heidi, Milly and Sammy

Heidi’s a collie whose owners decided, upon acquiring her by whatever means, that they couldn’t be arsed with her – so despite being perfectly healthy and with a lovely nature, they decided to try to get her put to sleep… or, that makes it sound too nice, they wanted to kill her.

Fortunately she was rescued – and will shortly be travelling down to Nottingham to take up residence with Ma, Dad and Milly. Today’s trip was a chance to test her out with Sam (who would get on with any dog on the planet) and Milly, who is a little more highly strung.

However, upon getting ’em all in a park it transpired that there wouldn’t be any problems – the only snapping and barking that went on was very good natured indeed, and Heidi provided a nice reminder at how a younger Collie can zoom all over the place for ever if given the chance! At 14, Sammy’s a bit too old for those kinds of shenanigans these days!

So we’re heading back up there on 3rd March to bring her home, Ma and Dad have an unfortunate holiday timed between now and then otherwise we could’ve brought her back sooner – but she’s being well cared for where she is.

Just makes you realise what bastards some people are to consider having an animal that could bring so much pleasure to people put to death.

By the end of the walk, it was all too much for poor Milly – she tried desperately to keep up the pace with her little legs but was absolutely shattered by the end of it!

A quick pub-lunch delivered needed sustenance and it was back down to Nottingham and home – a different but very interesting way to spend a Sunday, and we’re all now looking forward to bringing Heidi into ‘the pack’ and seeing if Milly will let her have any toys/chews/a bed!

Today being Cat’s birthday, we took advantage of a day off work to head into Nottingham, principally to grab a spot of lunch – as well as take the opportunity of getting an elevated view of the city from the ‘Nottingham Eye’ – a temporary Ferris Wheel that’s currently operating in the Market Square.  Definitely well worth a fiver of anyone’s money if you want to see the underrated Nottingham from a different perspective.  I took a few photos which are available here.

I’ve fiddled around with the photo above, using the principles of ‘tilt shifting‘ which is basically a photographic techique that works well on elevated photos like these, and through a process of tinkering with blurring at the boundaries as well as adjusting the contrast and saturation, basically leaves you with a picture that looks like a toy!  I quite like the affect, although the pigeon crap above Schuh an the proliferation of people wandering about the Square perhaps make that less than convincing!

After the ride, which basically saw you go over the wheel four times – once while they were ‘loading everyone on’ and then three times uninterrupted, we opted to head over to the Pitcher & Piano for a spot of lunch, which was rather nice – decent food, decent service and great surroundings.  Rather than head off immediately we decided that we could take advantage of a free afternoon to do some of the cheesy tourist things that folk tend to ignore in their home town.

So, like the true romantic that I am, I suggested we pop to the Galleries of Justice, which is basically a museum of crime and punishment opposite the Lace Market Hotel – and is the site of Nottingham’s old county court, and scene of many executions and imprisonments.  It’s quite a morbid place really.  I thought £9 was a bit steep to get in, but the tour was really good, and lead to a revelation I will come on to later – as it bears in depth discussion.

You are initially cleverly handed between tour guides – starting in a Victorian courtroom that was in use until the late 80’s, before descending into the cells below and discovering the joys of being emprisoned at this particular time.  After a brief walk out into the exercise yard, where some gallows stood menacingly, you’re back inside and on your own to learn about the transportation of prisoners to Australia before regaining your freedom outside again!

Definitely worth a visit, I can see why it gets such good reviews – probably better in a large group rather than as part of a collective of couples/families as the guides do like to interact with people, and being amongst strangers naturally makes most people clam up a little.  But should you fancy something a little different of an afternoon, then it’s definitely an hour that you should find interesting.  But anyway, I made mention of the revelation that I would return to – and I most certainly shall.

The first tour guide described Nottingham as traditionally a ‘Rebel City’ – indeed, it’s not hard to imagine given our associations with the likes of Robin Hood.  However, he made mention of something even more amusing – us Nottinghamians, it seems, are not to be messed with.  Back in the 18th Century, during Goose Fair (which at this time was pretty much a big market, and hosted in – funnily enough – the Market Square), the visiting traders had put the price up of cheese by around 3p.

This caused outrage amongst the good folk of Nottingham, who – rather than boycotting the rip-off dairy produce – proceeded to overturn tables and riot, hurling the large round cheese all over the place.  The Mayor of the time was quickly on the scene to try to restore the peace, and was promptly flattened by a rolling cheese heading down Wheeler Gate just off the market square!  The great cheese riot of Nottingham, I feel, is a hidden gem of an event which should be commemorated by some kind of eccentric event in Nottingham.  Maybe a big cheese-fight in the Market Square?

So there you have it, Nottingham from above, some nice food, rioting over cheese and reflections on crime and punishment!  Not a typical Valentine’s day list of activities, perhaps, but quite entertaining nonetheless!